Good morning everyone,
I have not even been awake for more than 20 minutes now, and already Ed has begun to control my day.”
Later on tonight, I am going out to a club with my friend, something that I have never done.
I’ve never done it because since I have been 21, Ed has been the one thing that ruled my world, and if Ed told me I was too “fat” to go out that night, then I didn’t go.
If Ed told me not to go out with friends because there might be food there, then I wouldn’t go. If Ed told me people might see me and think I am sick, then of course, I cannot go and I need to stay hidden.
There is always a reason why Ed does not want me to go anywhere social, and to stay home with him, so he can have me in his grip and have me all to himself.
Tonight is no different.
Ed is already telling me that people will see me, see how big I’ve become, and tell me how “healthy,” I look (which in an eating disordered mind is like telling someone they are fat), or how bad I look.
Yesterday, I was telling E that there is one dress in particular, that I remember used to fit nice and tight on me before I got sucked into my eating disorder-and then once I was at my lowest and darkest points with it, it was falling off me.
I told her how badly I wanted to try that dress on today and see how it still fit.
At the end of our session, I told her I would not try on that dress. It simply was not in my best interest to do so. If it fit tighter, I would feel huge and fat and not want to go anymore. If it fit loser, it would be reinforcing all of Ed’s thoughts.
Well, what did I do literally two minutes after I woke up this morning? I walked into my closet and pulled out that dress and tried it on. And it fit tight.
The exact same impulsiveness I used to feel every night and every morning before I went to sleep to weigh myself, was the same kind of impulsiveness I felt to try that dress on this morning.
It’s like I was a drug addict looking for a hit of my drug.
I am mad that I let down E, and more importantly, I am mad that I let down myself.
What happened once I tried the dress on?Exactly what I knew would happen- Ed swooped into my morning and started getting my mind racing.
I am already thinking about the last time this dress fit me like this, how much did I weigh? Obviously, it is now tight, so what weight was I when it fit tight? What weight was I when it fit loose, and how much did I gain since then? The thoughts are endless.
And now, I do feel uncomfortable in my body and I really have Ed yelling in my ear to not go to that club tonight.
How can I go to a club in a body that is not “skinny” anymore? In a dress that reminds me of how “big,” I feel I am getting?
But I know what will happen if I stay home tonight-Ed will just get louder and louder, and I know that I deserve to go out and have fun.
The healthy part of me knows that I deserve fun. I deserve to do my hair, put on a dress I feel good in, and feel beautiful.
I want to feel beautiful tonight.
I am not sure how to go about that anymore since I feel I have already ruined my chances by trying on that dress.
The ironic thing is that even though that dress fit tight again, I didn’t think I looked bad. I looked good. It’s just the fact that it was once loose, and now tight, that gave Ed the fuel he needed to blow up in my mind again.
Regardless if I need to change the dress I am wearing, go to the mall to buy something new, borrow something from my sister-I will and need and deserve to find a way to feel beautiful tonight.
Going out of way to make myself feel beautiful is very far out of my comfort zone. Listening to Ed this morning by trying on that dress-that was me in my comfort zone.
But going out with others, being around people, being around other girls whom Ed will ask me to compare myself to, and making myself feel pretty or beautiful are all things that are outside of my comfort zone.
But if I don’t step outside of my comfort zones now, then when will I ever?
I am not saying the process of making myself feel beautiful tonight will be easy-it might consist of multiple outfit trying, multiple body checks in the mirror, and a multitude of questions towards anyone around me asking them how I look in the hopes of quieting my own Ed created insecurities.
But, I will still do it. I will still go, and I will step outside those comfort zones, and push through Ed’s mean and vindictive thoughts about what I look like.
I am not proud that I tried on that dress this morning, and I am not sure I can forgive myself for it yet, but I am proud that now, after writing this post, I have the strength to continue on with my day, still go eat breakfast, and still commit to making myself feel beautiful tonight and breaking out of many of my comfort zones.
The fact that I actually want to make myself feel beautiful tonight is a victory in recovery all on its own, and to that I say, “hello life.”