When I started this blog, I made three commitments: to go one entire year without a scale, to blog every single day of that year about it, and to be painstakingly honest, no matter what.
While there has never been a blog post that I have written that has not been made up of anything less than 100% pure honesty, the past few days I have been writing honestly, but not telling you all the whole complete story about what is going on in my recovery.
I haven’t written about it because I have felt ashamed about it.
Since I’ve started this blog, I have received many emails, comments, and even have developed followers-all telling me how inspiring this blog is to them. And for the past few days, I’ve been trying to live up to be that inspiration, instead of just telling you all what I’m truly struggling with on a daily basis.
It doesn’t feel comfortable for me to expose myself to you all this way-because I feel I am exposing the truth about me and about Ed. But like I said, I made a promise to be honest, and so here I am, about to tell you how incredibly strong Ed has been in my life over the past couple of days.
So, I’ve written lately about what my truths are, about wanting to feel whole again, and about dealing with the challenge of accepting my body-all honest and truthful things, but there is more than that going on and now its time to get real-with you all, and with myself.
Lately, I cannot seem to get away from Ed.
He is everywhere. He is with me when I wake up in the morning and write my blogs and he is with me every morning when I stand in the mirror, lift my shirt up, and check for any new physical changes-any difference in the way my tummy looks, or how my hip bone looks, or how my chest looks. Ed is there.
The past four nights, Ed’s been keeping me up all night. Right before I go to sleep, I find myself constantly rubbing my hands over my stomach to feel for any body soreness that I am fearful of. I must do this at least 15 times a night before I go to bed.
I am frustrated right now because I feel like it is unacceptable for me to be having these eating disorder thoughts.
I find that the past few days, I am mad at myself for sticking to my meal plan.
I have been constantly getting mad at myself for eating, and it is an indescribable kind of inner frustration.
After that anger sets in, fear sets in, and that’s usually around night time when Ed comes and locks me inside his dark prison.
Since I am on a meal plan, I am supposed to write down everything I eat so my nutritionist can keep track of it.
Every single night for the past week, I have been sitting down with this paper of my tracked food, and calculating every single calorie in my phone.
Exercise doesn’t seem to be enough for me anymore either.
I used to be happy stretching with my trainer, and walking for 10 minutes on the treadmill. But the past two times I worked out, nothing was enough. My walking was not enough-so I felt I needed to run. My running was not enough, so I felt I needed to walk more after that.
I know this may look like a lot of rambling, but this is real-these are the very real, dark and lonely places that I have been living in lately with Ed.
Other than E, no one has truly seen my pain. I follow my meal plan, I smile, I laugh, and I even am going out with friends-all as a way to try to pull myself out of this dark hole.
I so badly just want to be strong and not worry those around me, that I’ve been able to do what Ed has taught me to do best : to hide my emotions.
After a long session with E yesterday, I know that recovery will not be like this forever, and Ed will not be this loud forever either, and for that, I am grateful.
All I can do is continue to work on my truths, continue to try to love myself, and most importantly, continue to be honest with myself, and with my readers.
This by far, is the most uncomfortable blog I have written to date.
I am scared to publish this in fear of what my friends, readers and family will think of me after reading it.
Will you guys think I am failing at recovery? Will I lose being an inspiration to so many?
I can’t control what all of you will think, but I can control how I think and what I know.
And what I know, is that being honest is the best gift that I can give to myself during my process of recovery.
Today is a new day, I am going to see a new nutritionist, and I am feeling lighter, more liberated, and more free now that I’ve exposed the dark places Ed has taken me to these past few days.
I want to post this picture, because I saw it and it reminded me that although I am not in a place of total freedom yet, I am on my way, and it inspires me to look at the freedom that lies ahead of me in my recovery and in my future.
I am hopeful that I have brighter days ahead of me, and I am hopeful that today is one of them, and to that I can say, “hello life.”