Day 59: Time To Get Real

Hello everyone,

When I started this blog, I made three commitments: to go one entire year without a scale, to blog every single day of that year about it, and to be painstakingly honest, no matter what.

While there has never been a blog post that I have written that has not been made up of anything less than 100% pure honesty, the past few days I have been writing honestly, but not telling you all the whole complete story about what is going on in my recovery.

I haven’t written about it because I have felt ashamed about it.

Since I’ve started this blog, I have received many emails, comments, and even have developed followers-all telling me how inspiring this blog is to them. And for the past few days, I’ve been trying to live up to be that inspiration, instead of just telling you all what I’m truly struggling with on a daily basis.

It doesn’t feel comfortable for me to expose myself to you all this way-because I feel I am exposing the truth about me and about Ed. But like I said, I made a promise to be honest, and so here I am, about to tell you how incredibly strong Ed has been in my life over the past couple of days.

So, I’ve written lately about what my truths are, about wanting to feel whole again, and about dealing with the challenge of accepting my body-all honest and truthful things, but there is more than that going on and now its time to get real-with you all, and with myself.

Lately, I cannot seem to get away from Ed.

He is everywhere. He is with me when I wake up in the morning and write my blogs and he is with me every morning when I stand in the mirror, lift my shirt up, and check for any new physical changes-any difference in the way my tummy looks, or how my hip bone looks, or how my chest looks. Ed is there.

The past four nights, Ed’s been keeping me up all night. Right before I go to sleep, I find myself constantly rubbing my hands over my stomach to feel for any body soreness that I am fearful of. I must do this at least 15 times a night before I go to bed.

I am frustrated right now because I feel like it is unacceptable for me to be having these eating disorder thoughts.

I find that the past few days, I am mad at myself for sticking to my meal plan.

I have been constantly getting mad at myself for eating, and it is an indescribable kind of inner frustration.

After that anger sets in, fear sets in, and that’s usually around night time when Ed comes and locks me inside his dark prison.

Since I am on a meal plan, I am supposed to write down everything I eat so my nutritionist can keep track of it.

Every single night for the past week, I have been sitting down with this paper of my tracked food, and calculating every single calorie in my phone.

Exercise doesn’t seem to be enough for me anymore either.

I used to be happy stretching with my trainer, and walking for 10 minutes on the treadmill. But the past two times I worked out, nothing was enough. My walking was not enough-so I felt I needed to run. My running was not enough, so I felt I needed to walk more after that.

I know this may look like a lot of rambling, but this is real-these are the very real, dark and lonely places that I have been living in lately with Ed.

Other than E, no one has truly seen my pain. I follow my meal plan, I smile, I laugh, and I even am going out with friends-all as a way to try to pull myself out of this dark hole.

I so badly just want to be strong and not worry those around me, that I’ve been able to do what Ed has taught me to do best : to hide my emotions.

After a long session with E yesterday, I know that recovery will not be like this forever, and Ed will not be this loud forever either, and for that, I am grateful.

All I can do is continue to work on my truths, continue to try to love myself, and most importantly, continue to be honest with myself, and with my readers.

This by far, is the most uncomfortable blog I have written to date.

I am scared to publish this in fear of what my friends, readers and family will think of me after reading it.

Will you guys think I am failing at recovery? Will I lose being an inspiration to so many?

I can’t control what all of you will think, but I can control how I think and what I know.

And what I know, is that being honest is the best gift that I can give to myself during my process of recovery.

Today is a new day, I am going to see a new nutritionist, and I am feeling lighter, more liberated, and more free now that I’ve exposed the dark places Ed has taken me to these past few days.

I want to post this picture, because I saw it and it reminded me that although I am not in a place of total freedom yet, I am on my way, and it inspires me to look at the freedom that lies ahead of me in my recovery and in my future.

freedom

I am hopeful that I have brighter days ahead of me, and I am hopeful that today is one of them, and to that I can say, “hello life.”

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10 thoughts on “Day 59: Time To Get Real

  1. I could have written this post myself. I know what it’s like for people to consider you this online hero or inspiration in the eating disorder community, and yes, at times, I also feel like an incredible fraud. But people are drawn to brutal honesty: the good, the bad, the REAL, and that is why we have people looking up to us? Are you a failure because your eating disorder is making you angry or obsessed or scared? Not a chance. Failure is only a term you are allowed to give yourself- nobody, NOBODY, has that right to coin that label on you.

    It is absolutely acceptable for you to have those thoughts. It’s what you DO about them that counts. Those thoughts, unfortunately, cannot just disappear overnight. They have become part of your genetic makeup and years of reinforcement have maintained that rigid eating disordered voice. Be kind and patient with yourself. Laugh at the thoughts, challenge them, tell them they are ridiculous and illogical. They will come and go…be patient.

    Recovery is absolutely hard, and sometimes I also feel like my eating disorder is “all I think about.” But, I’d rather not be in denial or avoidance anymore. If it’s “all I have to think about” for a temporary while, I’d rather go through that pain then spend another few years abusing and torturing myself.

    Keep that chin up lovely<3

    • Thank you ! I love your blog and your honesty is an inspiration to me . You are so right about the fact that it’s better to have these Ed thoughts instead of living in denial and torture. Thank you for your incredible support and advice.

  2. Love, I’m so sorry for your pain. I want to tell you 2 things people have told me that may help you too. The first is at my Barr exercise class as we are all dying from pain the instructor always says,”If it was easy, everyone would do it!” I know you never thought recovery would be easy. You are stronger than you feel. It’s hard to feel your strength when you are in the midst of being attacked by ED, but you are very strong everyday just by way that you keep on keeping on right thru the pain.
    The other thing I was told was when I started sales in Air Freight and I had no idea what I was talking about on sales calls. My boss told me,”Well fake it til you make it!” And it works in many things in life. I don’t mean fake it in your blog. Of course your honesty is so refreshing, even about not being totally open, but its ok to go out with friends and smile and put on a good face WHEN you are up to it. Just like its ok to say you aren’t up to doing it. But the mind actually believes the actions we physically take on after repeated times. They say just standing in the mirror and smiling can lift your spirits. It’s ok to be down and it’s ok to put a smile on and pretend to leave ED at home occasionally when you can. Eventually you will be able to leave him at home more and more and feel more and more uplifted that you are able to do that until one day you are out having fun and don’t even notice ED never left with you.
    You just do whatever you need to and don’t beat yourself up. Don’t you think ED does that enough already? I love you!!

    • Thank you mom! I love everything that you said . Especially the part about one day being able to leave Ed at home and the realization that it’s ok to pretend I left him at home even when I didn’t because one day that will be my reality. Fake it til u make it works sometimes like you said I’ve seen it work too. But most important it’s true that Ed does enough beating up on me for both of us and the best thing I can learn to do is be kind to myself. I love u !! Thank you for this comment.

  3. Change is difficult and there are ups and downs . Don’t worry about family and frienda, we love you no matter what. I am so proud of you. It’s not easy to expose oneself. Recovery takes time. Give yourself that gift of time. XO grandma

    • Thank you grandma this comment means so much to me and I’m so lucky to have family who loves me unconditionally and to get to see u and live with u everyday is an amazing bonus I’m grateful for . Love u!

  4. Shira, recovery is intense and exhausting but oh, so worth it. As your friend I don’t expect it to happen overnight or without pain. Thank you for sharing the truth with us. It gives me even more respect and admiration for you and your journey.
    I see growth and self realization everyday in your blog and I remain 100% in your corner.

  5. Shira, I’m reading your blog later in the day today so I think a lot of what I would say to you would be repetitive of everyone else. I do want to say that today you gave yourself the greatest gift of all and that is self compassion and the ability to be honest, not with everyone else, but with yourself. Yes, recovery is HARD! And even in the best of times and circumstances in life, life will throw you curve balls and challenges. It’s what you do with those challenges in those times that matter. I think I said this the other day to you…you consistently have shown authenticity and courage throughout your whole recovery process. That is all you can ask for. You are amazing! And you make me so proud to call you my niece!! I love you and am always here for you!!!

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