Day 57: Chasing My Own Soul

Good morning everyone,

A few days ago, I wrote a post about how I was beginning to feel whole again.

For the first time in years, I was able to feel my soul re-enter my body, and it was this incredible feeling of wholeness.

While the feeling only lasted for about a second, I’ll never forget what it felt like.

In that one moment where I felt whole, I felt my soul slip into my entire body and fill it with light, warmth, and security.

It was the first time that I felt my body being filled with something that had absolutely no connection to food, calories, restriction, or punishment from Ed.

However, I feel that somewhere after that moment or two, my soul slipped back out, and when it did, Ed replaced it. But I do know, that when my soul was taking over my body, there was no room for Ed.

I feel like part of the reason I have been having such a hard time accepting my body lately is because when I look in the mirror, all I see is simply that; a body.

It’s a shell, a hollow, empty shell that at the moment, is lacking it’s soul.

It’s not completely void of its soul, but it’s lacking it in its entirety.

My soul is alive and present , I just need it to come back into my body, after so many years of it being kept out by Ed.

I know, that if I was able to look in the mirror in that moment when I felt whole-in that moment when my soul was inside my body-I would have loved every single inch of me.

Because then, I wouldn’t have been looking at just a body, or at an image of Ed; I would have been looking at the beautiful and strong entity that is keeping me safe and that is keeping my soul safe.

You might be thinking, “what does recovery have to do with my soul”? I can tell you, that it has everything to do with my soul.

With my soul, I am not just a body anymore-I am not just a number on a scale, or a product of Ed, or something that is gaining weight-I am a capsule that embodies, holds, and protects the very most vulnerable and most beautiful part of myself.

I want that moment of wholeness back-I want to live in wholeness for the rest of my life.

I don’t expect it to happen any time soon, because I know that in order for my soul to truly be able to re-enter my body, Ed will have to be gone, and he is not yet totally gone; realistically, he’s far from being gone.

It took Ed years to make himself a home inside of my mind, so I believe it will take a long time for him to leave. He didn’t show up overnight, and therefore, while it would be amazing, it’s unrealistic to expect him to disappear overnight as well.

But the beauty in this, is that I realize now, that I have a soul without Ed-and that is something I never would have known before I started recovery.

Before recovery,Ed was my soul.

I can see now, that without Ed completely dominating me, I have a strong, vibrant and illuminated soul, and it so badly wants to come and save me from him.

This might sound so incredibly crazy, but I can literally see my soul in front of my eyes.

There she is, just waiting for me.

She is like a golden spirit that is free and she emits warmth onto me. I can wave my hand through her. I feel like I want to chase her and run after her and then grab her and pull her into me.

I so badly want to live in more than just this body that I am currently living in with Ed; I want to live in my body with my own soul back inside, without Ed.

I want to live feeling that warmth, that beauty, and that strength that my soul gives me every single day of my life.

I know now, that if I want my soul back, I will need to chase her, keep a close eye on her, and not let her out of my sight.

And while saying that I want to chase my own soul may not make any sense to others, it makes perfect sense to me, and that’s all that matters.

Even on the days when Ed wants me to shun her out, and pretend like he can replace her, I will never let my own soul get away from me again.

Right now, she is here, standing next to me, guiding me, and protecting me, and one day, she will be back inside my body, and she will make me whole again-and when she does, Ed will not be there anymore.

Once I become whole again, I feel I will be able to reach full acceptance; acceptance of my struggle with Ed, acceptance of this fight for my freedom from Ed, and acceptance of my body.

I am thankful that I have the inner strength and wisdom to strive to become whole again-to strive to break free from Ed-and to strive, with all of my heart, to be my victor of recovery, and not a victim of Ed.

Hello to chasing and bringing back my beautiful soul that Ed once took from me, and hello life.

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