Good morning everyone,
I feel like my recovery has been taking place over a series of stages.
There was the initial stage, which was the fearful stage. I was fearful and terrified of what recovery would do to my life. I was scared of how it would affect my relationships, my personality, and my body.
But after I pushed through the fear, the fighting stage came. This is where I realized that if I was going to beat Ed, I needed to become a fighter.
I didn’t know where or how I would gather the strength to become this fighter, but I was committed to finding a way to do it.These past 56 days have been me developing, growing, and evolving into the best fighter that I can be.
Although I still need to fight every single day for my freedom from Ed, I feel like I have become accustomed to fighting.
Where at one time, having to challenge Ed and having to break all of his rules was something that felt impossible and draining to do, it has now become part of my daily routine.
I am OK with the fact that I need to be a fighter every single day and every single minute of my recovery. And I am OK with that because I see, that even when I am exhausted and depleted of energy, it is that fighter in me that has gotten me through these 56 days of recovery.
Now, I feel like I have entered the stage of physical acceptance.
The struggle that has been laying at my feet for weeks now has been the physical acceptance of my new healthier body.
While recovery has brought me beautiful moments with family and friends and even with myself, it has also brought major changes to my once Ed controlled body, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.
Now is the time where I can actually see these body changes happening, and it has been a huge brick wall for me to get past.
I hate even talking about my physical body, because so far, my recovery has been so much deeper than anything physical, but unfortunately, I feel it has to be talked about because that is what I am honestly going through right now.
The scariest part is, is that I still don’t know the rest of the physical changes my body is going to make, and since I don’t have a scale to tell me what is going on, I feel a little out of control.
I know that after so many years of depriving it, I need to just let go, and let my body do what it needs to do to restore its own health.
But letting go of my body and my expectations of what Ed has made me believe my body needs to look like, means learning to accept my body, and truthfully, its a stage in my recovery that I am just entering, and I am no way even close to being done with it.
This stage of physical acceptance, I believe, will be the hardest part of my recovery.
I am living in a world completely driven by faith right now, and that means that I am living in a world of uncertainty.
Faith is uncertain, it’s mysterious and it’s unknown.
I am putting all of my faith into my recovery process, and just because this faith gives me hope that I will be OK at the end of my recovery, it does not make it easy to go through.
Living in faith is almost like living blindly-you cannot see your future, but you know it will be better than your past. You cannot see the end result, but you know you will end up on top.
It’s hard for me to envision myself in the future fully accepting my new healthy body, yet I know that it will happen-my question is, how will I get there?
I don’t have an answer to that question yet, and I think that for now, I need to just let that be.
There was a point at the beginning of my recovery where I didn’t even know how I would go one week without a scale, and yet here I am on my 56th day without one.
There was a point where I never imagined I could follow a meal plan, yet here I am following one for over a month.
There was a point where I didn’t even think I was worthy of recovery, yet here I am fighting for my own life, because I know I am worth it.
And I know that this stage of physical acceptance is no different. Somehow, some way, I will get there. I don’t know how, but I will, and that is what is important.
It may not be fast, but I will get there.
In a way, I am almost happy to be entering this new stage of physical acceptance, because I know once I get there, I will never be able to go back to the dark place of self judgement and self hatred of my body.
I guess the best thing that I can do is open my heart and my mind to this new stage of physical acceptance and try to embrace the new healthy body that goes with it.
No matter how hard it may be for me to look in the mirror, no matter how hard it may be to reach that point of self acceptance, I will remind myself every single day, even multiple times a day if I need to, that I will, one day, get there.
Hello to knowing that I will do whatever it takes to get myself to where I need to be, and hello life.