Day 54: Becoming Whole Again

Good morning everyone,

Yesterday was one of the best days that I have ever had in my recovery.

After I wrote my post about doing recovery in honor my grandpa yesterday, it was like the spirit that came next to me as I went to sleep the night before, never left my side.

All day long, I felt guided, protected and shielded from Ed.  It was as though my grandpa had put me in a bubble and just for one day, I was untouchable to Ed.

What I loved most about yesterday, was that I gave myself permission to simply live in the moment.  I didn’t get overwhelmed with numbers or with destructive Ed thoughts-I simple existed in each and every second.

More than just being present in the moment, I was also existing in my own body. I know that might sound a little weird, so let me explain what I mean.

For weeks now, I have been constantly feeling like I am a soul trapped in this body that is not my own.

For the past two years, my body was not mine, It was Ed’s.  Ed created my body. He starved my body.  He purged my body.  He controlled every inch of skin on my body.  My body was simply not mine.

Once I started recovery, I began to feel that although I was taking back my body from Ed, I hated it. I didn’t know it. I didn’t trust it.

I did not know how to exist in my body without Ed.  How can I live in this body without Ed telling me what to do to it?  How can I love my body if Ed does not love my body?

But yesterday, for what felt like the first time in years, I could feel myself existing in my own body.  I was walking, I was talking, I was focusing in school, and I was doing it all from the body that I am starting to re-know, to re-love and to re-trust.

Do I 100% accept my body right now as it is becoming healthier? Not at all. Do I know that it will take time before that true acceptance happens? Yes.

But what I do know, is that just by learning how to exist in this body without Ed calling all the shots is something incredible.

I used to feel like my soul was one entity, my body was one entity, and Ed was one entity.

Now that Ed is becoming more removed from my mind, I find that my body and soul are starting to merge and become one complete being.

I feel as though I am starting to become whole again-it’s almost ironic to say that I am becoming whole by cutting out the biggest part of my life, Ed.

Day by day, challenge by challenge, and round by round, I am on my way to becoming whole again-spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

I am starting to realize that my life is too short, and my spirit is too valuable, to spend it living as a fragmented tiny piece in Ed’s dark and unforgiving world.

I deserve to be whole again, I deserve to live in the present moment, and I deserve to give myself recovery.

Hello to becoming whole again, hello to existing in my own body, and hello life.

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7 thoughts on “Day 54: Becoming Whole Again

  1. You are amazing Shira! And you’re doing exactly what you need to do by living in the present moment! Yay for you! I love you! Another step in your recovery process!

  2. Good job !! Happy to read that you ha an amazing day feeling comfertable being you! You are beautiful ! Continue to, fight, and defeat Ed – in doing that you are becoming happier and living life to its fullest 🙂

  3. Shira,

    Angels are real. Torah writes about them. We sing about them in the Shabbat song, “Shalom Aleichem, malachay ha shalom” (angels of peace). Never stop believing in their power to protect you and guide you. Your papa is not the only angel that stands next to you, there are others: guardians and warriors that fight for you. G-d sent them.

    May you always feel protected, may you always feel at peace. You are precious to yourself, to your family, to your friends, to G-d and to me.

    I love you.

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