Yesterday, I felt like Ed was picking me up and spinning me around and around in circles in my own head.
There were two circles that I found myself being stuck in yesterday: the circle of calories and the circle of “bigness.”
It’s almost as though I was constantly running around these circles all day yesterday torturing myself with numbers and negative thoughts. If I was not in the calorie circle, I would jump into the feeling big circle.
Yesterday, either I was busy calculating every single calorie I put in my mouth, or I was checking how my clothes fit every inch of my body, or I was trying to feel how differently my pants fit from when I wore them last week.
Whatever I was doing yesterday, it took place within one of those Ed created circles.
The worst thing about a circle is that it never ends. It keeps going and going. There are no breaks-there are no outs-there are escapes.
I need to create my own escape out of these circles. There is only one person who can help me create that escape.
While I love all of my family, there is one person in my life, who I can never let down-who I would do anything for, including disobeying Ed.
That person is my grandpa, who I believe, after he passed away a few years ago, became my angel.
I use the present tense when I speak about him, because although he is physically gone from my world, his soul is alive in mine, and therefore, it feels more natural for me to say I will do anything for him, as opposed to saying I would have done anything for him- to me, he is still very much alive in my heart.
When I think about his face, I see him looking at me-but not the Ed tainted me-the innocent and pure me.
I see him looking at me right now, from wherever he is, with the most angelic and beautifully lit eyes, and they are just begging me to get out of those Ed created circles.
I can feel his hands on top of mine as I type on this keyboard, and I can feel him literally transferring his strength from his soul into mine.
If there is one person or thing that can motivate me to get out of Ed’s circles today, it is my grandpa, who I called papa.
Last night, before I went to sleep, I felt so drained. I felt tired of calculating calories all day. I felt exhausted of running in circles and Ed telling me how big I am becoming.
I was exhausted of walking around all day smiling and eating and acting like it was all perfectly fine. I was frustrated that Ed would not just leave me alone.
I was mad at myself for letting Ed even get me into these circles-especially after a week where I made such huge progress in my recovery.
But when I thought about my grandpa’s face before I went to sleep, all that exhaustion went away and all I felt was strength.
I felt motivated again. I felt stimulated again. The fire in my spirit was reignited with the heat and energy it needed to continue to fight on.
Today’s recovery is for my grandpa-and by saying that, I know I cannot stay in Ed’s circles anymore.
When I think about my grandpa, nothing in this universe, not even Ed, can stop me from becoming the strongest fighter in the world.
I can envision my grandpa’s face smiling down at me right now as I am writing this post.
I can feel his energy coming into my spirit and lifting me far far away from Ed, and lifting me up and out of Ed’s circles.
In this moment, I can forget Ed’s circles-I can forget calories-I can forget feeling big.
All I am doing in this moment is being present with my grandpa’s spirit next to me, and it’s such a beautiful and freeing feeling.
I started this post feeling like I was spinning inside of Ed’s world, and I am ending it feeling secure, safe, and strong, because I know now, I can do recovery today.
I know that because I know I won’t let my grandpa down. More than that, I am excited to not let him down. I am excited to show him how badly I can defeat Ed.
Thank you papa, for being my reason to get out of Ed’s circles today, and thank you for giving me the gift of one more day of recovery.
I feel like I am truly in the hands of an angel today-and I know that my angel, my papa, will be watching me as I cross the finish line of recovery at the end of this journey, and that in itself, makes me want to say, “hello life.”