After I wrote my post yesterday about forgiving Ed, my entire relationship with him changed.
I felt like the minute I forgave him, I wasn’t mad at him anymore and I wasn’t fighting with him anymore. I truly started to feel like I could let him go.
Just like any relationship, the minute Ed felt that he was starting to lose me, he started fighting with all his strength to win me back.
Yesterday was by far the hardest that Ed has ever fought for my loyalty and obedience.
Ed walked into my nutritionist’s office with me yesterday, and told me how much weight I gained this week (even though my nutritionist didn’t even bring up weight yesterday).
When I walked into the gym afterwards, Ed was literally breathing onto my neck and whispering directly into my ear to go and weigh myself on that gym scale.
His voice was so loud and his breath was so heavy, I have chills right now thinking about it.
It took every single ounce of inner strength in my entire body to not go on that scale. I started walking on the treadmill and I had to repeat to myself for about 30 minutes straight, “Shira, you are more than a number. You do not need that number.”
The entire time I was telling myself this, I was also talking with Ed. I told him that I don’t blame him for trying to win me back over-especially on the day that I forgave him, because by me doing that, I set myself free from him.
I was so happy when I walked out of that gym knowing that I did not weigh myself, knowing that I had just overcome a huge challenge, that I cried.
I was literally so proud of myself for being strong enough to not step on that scale, that tears were the first thing that came out of me.
Of course Ed is going to try to fight harder now than ever before, because now the possibility that I am actually capable of living without him is becoming real.
I feel it is as though Ed used to be able to hold me with two hands, and always wrap them around my neck whenever he needed me to stay a little closer to him.
Hand by hand and finger my finger, he is slowly losing his grip on me.
Ed losing his grip on me is going to cause him to roar, as it already has.
I think my biggest challenge right now is this: I need to remember that just because I forgave Ed, it does not mean the beliefs and rituals he engraved in my mind will magically disappear.
I am going to have to fight now, harder than ever before, to challenge those unhealthy beliefs and lies, because Ed is going to do everything he can to keep them around.
I had no idea that forgiving Ed and starting to let him go, would be such a double ended sword.
I forgive Ed, I start to break free, yet with that freedom comes Ed fighting as hard as he can to keep his grip on me.
And of course, why wouldn’t he? I am not even mad at him for doing that, because it makes perfect logical sense. When you see you are losing someone, you try your hardest to keep them in your grasp.
I know that I need to embrace myself, arm myself, and prepare myself for the fighting I have ahead of me.
Ed is definitely louder than he has ever been before; he is trying so hard to keep the one finger he has left wrapped around my neck, and he is desperate for me to keep his belief system of how I should live in my mind.
Ed will fight, but I will fight harder.
One day, he will have no choice but to let go of his grip on me completely.
I know that my own inner strength and determination, will not let me lose this fight.
Bring it on Ed, I’m ready for another round-I’m scared about how hard I will need to fight-but I am strong and I am ready.
Hello to my readiness and willingness to fight for my freedom and hello life.