Good morning everyone,
I came across a quote last night and it has been on my mind ever since. The quote said:
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
I sat up for what felt like hours last night just thinking over and over about this sentence, because I felt that it could not be more true.
For the past two years, I have not been able or allowed to live the life of freedom and genuine happiness that I deserve-instead, I have been living as Ed’s prisoner.
Just how any person in an actual prison does not just waltz in there on their own, I was the one who blindly entered into that prison with Ed two years ago and let him lock me up.
While I blindly walked into that prison with Ed, I never had any idea of how hard it would be to break through the bars a few years later when I was ready for freedom.
For a long time, being a prisoner of Ed was all I knew, and therefore, I felt safe in it. My life was contained inside those hard, restrictive metal bars that had numbers and calories engraved on every single inch of them.
For the last 51 days, I have been slowly breaking down those bars and slowly freeing myself from being Ed’s prisoner.
But that quote yesterday really made me realize something: If I want to truly move on with recovery, I need to forgive Ed.
I need to forgive Ed for welcoming me into his locked up and dark world with such open arms. I need to forgive him for making me think that my self worth was solely based on a number. I need to forgive him for making me feel I was never good enough just the way I was.
And lastly, I need to forgive him for taking my heart and soul and putting cracks and puncture wounds in them when he knew I could not fight back.
I’m ready to forgive Ed today. By forgiving Ed, I am breaking his power over me and I am setting myself a little bit more free.
So here it goes.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for trying to come into my mind, my body and my soul, and trying to destroy my spirit with unhealthy ideas of who I should be or what I should look like.
I forgive you, not because I have to, but because I want to; because I know you meant to comfort me-you meant to help me when I felt I had no one else.
But I don’t need you anymore, Ed. I don’t need you, and I forgive you for making me think that I did for so long.
I forgive you for silently slipping yourself into the deepest part of my soul and making yourself a bed there for the past few years.
I forgive you for making me feel I am not enough. I forgive you for telling me I need to be a certain number on a scale in order to be beautiful or worthy.
I forgive you for the moments where you didn’t let me stand up for myself because I didn’t follow your restrictive food plan that day, or because I wasn’t “skinny” enough that day.
I forgive you for the days where that number on the scale was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night.
I forgive you for making me weigh myself the morning of my birthday and letting that number determine how much cake I would let myself eat that day and what I would order that night at dinner.
I forgive you for the countless family events you distracted me from, the endless nights of sleep you took from me before I would wake up to weigh myself, the several hours you made me spend sick in the bathroom, and the hundreds of times you punished me for eating with your dark and deceitful lies about the beauty of starvation.
I forgive you for controlling the majority of the past two years of my life, and I forgive you for continuing to try to fight for the upcoming years of my life (and believe me, you will not win).
I forgive you for the upcoming days in my recovery that you will try to sabotage.
In some ways, forgiving you feels like a huge loss to me. You were all I knew.
I will forgive you, grieve your loss, and I will move on and continue my life freely without you.
Now that I have forgiven you, I need to re-learn how to live without a you, a process that has been going on for 51 days now.
Ed, I truly, with every ounce of my body, forgive you.
I am not sure why, but as I am writing this, I am crying. By forgiving Ed, I feel I am letting him go. Of course that is my ultimate goal, but none the less, it is still a loss.
I am no longer a prisoner of Ed.
Hello to setting myself free and hello life.