Today I celebrate my 50 day milestone of being in recovery and of not weighing myself on a scale.
I woke up this morning feeling so big, uncomfortable and just flat out not good about my body. I wanted to wait to write this post in the hopes that this feeling would go away and I would have something more positive to say on this milestone day.
But this “big” feeling has not gone away so I’m going to have to write about it anyway.
I don’t blame myself for feeling big or uncomfortable in my clothes or my body because I’ve been on this meal plan for a month now and I knew these physical changes would eventually come.
I know that the first thing Ed would like me to do today would be to restrict my calories and my food. I know because he already told me.
But I know the more I listen to Ed and restrict, the bigger he gets and therefore the bigger he will make me feel.
I have gone 50 straight days now of breaking Ed’s biggest rule : not weighing myself. So why should I retract my steps and start following his rules again today?
I can’t control how I feel. That is an absolute fact. I feel big. I feel huge actually. And I’m going to give myself the space to feel this way because I think at this point in recovery, those feelings are acceptable.
While I may accept my feelings today, it doesn’t mean I need to let then ruin my milestone for me.
If I can’t change my feelings,I’m going to try to change my perception of them.
I can say that yes, I feel big today . But I also know that I am getting healthy.
I feel a little uncomfortable in my body,but I’m in love with my personality that has come with making this body healthy .
I feel unattractive and maybe a little insecure, but it’s better to feel that than to feel safe and adored by Ed.
Do I wish I felt “skinny” today? Of course. Do I miss the high of seeing some unhealthy number on a scale ? Possibly.
But I’m here. I’m 50 days in and I’m finding ways to get that high and liberating feeling in other ways .
The fact I’ve had the strength to go 50 days without weighing myself and do 50 days of living in recovery is giving me a rush on its own.
Ed will not get in my way of my 50 day milestone.
This feeling of bigness or hugeness will go away eventually and I will carry myself toward another 50 days of recovery.
Happy 50 day milestone of recovery to me and hello life.