Good morning everyone,
What I am about to say may not sound good in writing, or may even sound bad, but I don’t care and I am going to say it anyway.
I think I am starting to fall in love with myself-but not my old self, the new self that I am without Ed.
When I was living life through Ed (my eating disorder), I was living as a person who was undeserving; a person who thought they were worthless; a person who thought they had no voice.
If someone were to hurt me, or sadden me, instead of being able to stand up for myself, I let Ed comfort me. I would restrict my food, isolate myself from those people, and let that high I would get from seeing a certain number on a scale become my only source of happiness because I didn’t know it was even possible to find that happiness anywhere else.
I could literally write a 10 page blog post on how I used to live with my life when I was so fully immersed in Ed, but that is not the point of why I am writing today.
Instead, let me tell you about how I live my life now-now that I am a little bit more free from Ed everyday.
The more free from Ed I get, the more I fall in love with the person I am becoming.
Where at one time, I felt that standing up for myself to others was a privilege that I needed to earn (Ed said I would earn it when I would reach a certain number-yet that privilege never came),I now stand up for myself to anyone who hurts me. Why? Because I deserve to.
I don’t have a problem being real with myself and with others now. I don’t have a problem telling someone they have hurt me, or that they have made me mad-actually, I like the fact that I can tell people these things.
Instead of feeling those emotions and letting Ed be the one to make everything better with his convincing lies about how not eating will solve it all, I deal with them head on.
Without Ed, I am honest, not only with myself, but with others around me.
Without Ed, I am authentic, I am real, and I am genuine.
Without Ed, I am funny, I am witty, and I am full of laughter and a love for my life.
Who is this person I am becoming? Is it the pre-Ed version of Shira? I don’t think so.
I think its better than that-it’s the post-Ed version of myself-and I am stronger, taller, and more confidant than ever before.
I love that Without Ed, I feel my true personality actually coming out, and therefore, I am starting to feel worthy again.
I am starting to feel worthy of loving myself and worthy of letting others love me back.
Without Ed, I am fierce and I am strong, and I do not let anyone tell me otherwise.
Yes, Ed is trying to tell me otherwise-especially when it comes to my body-Ed has been constantly yelling at me about how huge I have become, and 99% of the time, I tend to listen to him.
But if challenging Ed and getting healthy both physically and mentally-means getting strong, real, and genuine, then in time, somehow, I know it will be worth it to accept those body changes.
If this is the person I am becoming now-only when I am just starting to free myself from Ed, I can’t wait to see the person I will be when I am 100% free from Ed.
Hello to having a voice. Hello to standing up for myself. Hello to being strong, confidant and funny. Hello to making jokes, hello to laughing, hello to being the genuine me that has been hiding under Ed for all these years.
I love falling in love with my new Ed-free self, and that is a beautiful reason to say, “hello life.”