After a month of not feeling any body soreness, I woke up this morning completly feeling it again.
Actually, I woke up at 5:30 AM feeling it, and have been awake ever since.
Since 5:30 AM, I have been laying in bed, thinking over and over about what I did to deserve to feel this soreness today.
Was it the cake I ate last night? Did I have too much bread? Maybe too much chocolate? Or maybe I just ate too much over all?
I know I felt a little uncomfortably full last night after dinner with my family, more than I would like to be, but in no way did I think it would lead to soreness-in my past, only a binge would lead to soreness.
So this leaves me asking myself, “did I really binge last night?”
I didn’t think I did. But this physical soreness is telling me otherwise.
I will be so very honest and tell you guys that not only did I step back into Ed’s suffocating box this morning at 5:30 AM, but I have been laying there and sleeping there, and resting my head in there ever since, and quite frankly, I am writing this blog post from there too.
It is hard for me to even distinguish Ed’s voice from mine this morning.
Is it me who does not want to eat today because I feel so sore, or is it Ed? Or maybe it is both of us? I know deep down it is Ed who is telling me that, but at the moment, I am totally 100% listening to him.
I feel like the moment I woke up sore, I literally crawled back into my box with Ed, got onto my knees and started begging him for forgiveness for eating what I ate last night that led to this body soreness.
My skin hurts everywhere. Yes, it is not as bad as some body soreness in the past, but nonetheless, it is still soreness.
My skin is aching, my eyes are tired from being up since 5:30 in the morning, and my mind is already exhausted of obsessing over all the reasons why I am sore right now.
This would be my ideal day today: Sit with Ed in his box, obsess over why I am sore, over and over and over again. Try to fix it. And then obsess again.
By doing that, it could lead to a relapse, and I have come way too far to let that happen.
So instead, I am going to have to find the inner strength that I know Ed is trying to hide from me today, and try to focus on something else. Whether it is homework, or tv, or talking with a friend, I know what I need to do to get myself out of this danger zone.
What can I say to you guys? This morning sucks . I have no inspiration today and I have no motivation today, other than I will not give up on myself.
It would be easier to let Ed win today and just give up for one day-but I know that true champions never give up, not even for a day. And being that I want to be the champion of this fight against Ed, I will continue to fight and not give up.
Today will probably be one of the hardest days of my recovery, especially since I literally started it sleeping with Ed in our box all morning long.
But here I am, writing, alive, breathing and in the present moment, and I am going to do all I can to get outside that box today, and to that I can say, “hello life.”