Good morning everyone,
Today is a huge day and happy day for me, as it marking the official end of food rules.
About two weeks ago, I wrote about how when I first started recovery, E had me make a list of food rules in which I lived my life by. A few hours later, I was sitting with 7 whole pages of food rules in my lap.
Even though I have slowly been breaking food rules every day, up until today, I have found comfort in keeping those 7 pages right next to me in my night stand. I even wrote in one post that those food rules were almost a final piece of of my eating disorder that I was holding on to.
Those foods rules were what I lived my life by for two years. It was how Ed was able to control my world, it was how he kept me in his choke hold.
Every time I would try to step outside the suffocating and worthless life that Ed had made for me, Ed would use those food rules to pull me back in.
Whether it was lunch at work, dinner with family, a day with my younger brothers-those foods rules are what showed me how to handle it all.
But, I have gone 45 days now without even glancing at those 7 pages of foods rules, and yesterday I had a breakthrough moment.
I had worked out, and needed to go to school. I knew I needed to eat lunch. No one was around me. No one would have known what I did. I could have skipped lunch, just how Ed was telling me to do.
But I didn’t listen to Ed yesterday-I challenged him, I disobeyed him, and I won every single round in our boxing ring. I did eat that lunch-and not because it’s on my meal plan, not because its the “right” thing to do, but because I wanted to for me.
In that moment, I realized that I don’t need my food rules anymore.
I don’t need my food rules to tell me how to navigate my life, or how to live. Abiding by those food rules were one of the last ways that I was giving Ed control, and today that control ends.
E (my therapist) does not know it yet, but I am going to bring her my 7 pages of foods rules this morning, and I am going to shred them into tiny little pieces.
Day 45 will always be known as the official end of food rules.
I can’t wait to go in that office and shred those papers. I can see now that I do not deserve to live a life bound by rules and restrictions-a life bound by Ed.
I feel that at one point, I needed those rules to define who I was-I needed Ed to tell me who I was.
I am not saying I know every aspect of who I am as a person yet, but I do know enough about myself now and my strength, to say that I do not need those rules anymore to tell me what is good or bad for me, and I don’t need Ed to define me either.
I feel so relieved that those 7 pages of food rules that I wrote so many months ago, are no longer going to be haunting me in my night stand every day. They will no longer tell me how to live-only I, Shira, can tell myself that.
I am feeling strong today. I am feeling free today.
Good bye food rules, and “hello life.”