This past week, was a week that I will never forget. It was filled with milestones, moments of freedom from Ed, and an overflow of support from family, friends and even strangers.
But on that same token, I am beginning to feel that recovery is taking over my life. I am beginning to feel that my journey, including me writing my blog, is becoming my entire life.
I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea-I am not saying that I’m not thankful for my recovery or for my blog and the support it is brought me-because I truly am.
But, I feel that my entire life right now is dedicated to my recovery. Every ounce of energy I use is devoted to my recovery, and it is getting a little bit exhausting.
Even me writing this blog, has become a huge part of my life, and while I am so thankful for it-I don’t want people to only view me as “the girl with an eating disorder recovery blog,” and that is what I fearing is happening.
I feel that every part of me is fighting Ed so damn hard, that I am getting lost in becoming a fighter all the time. I feel I am getting lost in my recovery.
I know that right now, my entire life is recovery because it needs to be that way, and I am grateful for it. If it wasn’t this way, I would not be making the progress that I have been making.
I just don’t want to be Shira-“the girl in recovery for an eating disorder” forever. For now, it is OK, because frankly, that is the truth. I just need to remind myself, that it will not be this way forever.
It bothers me to think that I am starting to view myself as only a fighter-or as only someone striving for recovery. I want to be more than a fighter. I want to be more than my eating disorder, and in the end of it all, I even want to be more than my recovery.
I just want to be me.
I want to be me-simply just me. I don’t want to have to be a fighter forever, I don’t want to have to be the girl with an eating disorder forever, and I don’t want to define myself by this eating disorder or its recovery forever either.
I know that by the time I fully reach recovery, I will be a new person; and by that time, I will have learned so many beautiful and noteworthy things about myself and my spirit.
But for today, I just wish that I could be me-with no eating disorder recovery and no need to fight fight fight.
I wish I could just me be-no meal plan, no nutritionists, and basically no Ed.
Having had my eating disorder for so long, I am mindful that the recovery process is a part of me, and it is part of who I am, but I don’t want it to define me.
Lately, when people have told me that they want to hang with me or see me, I often catch myself questioning why.
Why would anyone want to get to know me right now, when I am so wrapped up in fighting for recovery? What do people see in me that they want to hang out with me? Do they only see the girl with the eating disorder? Do they see a fighter? An inspiration? Maybe they see the strong soul behind this keyboard typing these posts every morning?
Whatever it is they see, I wish I saw it too and I hope they see more than just a girl in recovery for an eating disorder.
I wish I could see myself past my recovery-and I wish I could see the person I will be after recovery. But the reality is that I can’t do that now, because the future is unknown.
I guess for now, I just need to be patient in my recovery.
I don’t want to be patient, because it is making me feel like I have ants crawling inside my veins. I even have the urge to go outside and sprint as fast and hard as I can right now, as if running my hardest would push Ed out of me.
I am just going to have to take a deep breath, look deep inside myself, and try to envision the life that I will have after I reach full recovery-and I know that in that life, while my eating disorder will have made me stronger-it will not define me.
In that life, I will finally have the chance to just be me, and to that I can say, “hello life.”