Good morning everyone,
Last night, I saw what it meant to be a hero.
My younger brother, who is an up and coming Mixed Martial Arts fighter, had a fight. It was one of the hardest fights he ever had. He sweat, he shook, he held on, and he fought with his entire heart.
After he won, he had the chance to say something to the audience. He could have said whatever he wanted. He could have thanked his coaches who work with him every day, he could have thanked his teachers and trainers, he could have thanked his fellow fighters-I could go on to give you a list of the people that he could have thanked.
But instead of a thank you speech, he said this:
“My inspiration for this fight came from my sister Shira Sophia Moskowitz. I love you, your the best, your stronger than me and your a better fighter than I am.”
The minute those words came out of his mouth, I broke down in tears.
This whole entire time, I thought that he is my inspiration-that he is someone who I look up to. Never did I imagine that he thought the same of me.
I even used the analogy of me fighting Ed (my eating disorder) in a boxing ring, round after round, because I could relate it to the way I saw my brother fight.
But last night, my brother became more than an inspiration to me, he became a hero.
He is a hero, because not only did he stand by me last night, but he let every single person who meant anything to him know out loud that he stands by me. He stood proud, he stood tall and he stood strong when he said those words.
When he said those words last night, he was not ashamed of me, he was not ashamed that I am fighting for recovery for an eating disorder, and he was not ashamed of who I am-and that, that to me is a hero.
I feel that I am so lucky to be blessed with many heroes in my life. My entire family-both on my moms side and my dad’s side, and in all countries, you all are my heroes. You have stood by me openly and proudly through my fight for recovery.
My beautiful heroes, and you all know who you are, it is you guys, that give me the strength to continue and pursue this fight for my recovery.
When I saw my brother for the first time last night after he said his speech, we went behind a curtain where no one could see us, and we fell into each others arms and cried.
In that moment, he was not a fighter and I was not a fighter; we were blood and we were brother and sister. And for the first time in two years, Ed was not standing between us.
When I was crying on his shoulder, I literally felt that I cried every ounce of Ed out of my body and I put all of my pain and torment onto my brothers shoulders.
Last night, Ed was no longer only my burden. And normally, I would keep Ed’s struggles all to myself because I would never even want to fathom him tainting another persons life. But with my brother, I know that Ed cannot touch him. If anything, my brother has the power to destroy him.
Of course Ed is not out of my body or my brain, but he is also not only my battle now. He is my battle, but he is also my heroes battle as well, and I know they will defend me and stand in my corner until the time comes for me to make my own victory speech.
Last night was the third fight that my brother had at this particular venue. Every time he finishes a fight, all of our family and friends go back to my dads house to celebrate with pizza, drinks and music.
The past two fights, I did not go to this celebration. I did not go to this celebration because Ed told me not to. He did not let me be around pizza, or be around people,especially my family. That would have meant me stepping out of his controlling world and into a free world, and Ed never allowed that.
But last night-I did go to that celebration.
Not only did I go, but I ate the pizza too-and it was the first time in a year and a half, that I have eaten pizza without binging. I ate it with those around me who I love. I enjoyed it. Yes, it was scary, and I did contemplate if I even should have a piece, thinking it might lead to a binge. But for whatever reason, I felt a sense of security within myself that told me I was in a good enough place in my recovery to do this.
Dean-my brother, my fellow fighter, my fellow supporter,and my heart-last night, you became my hero. It is with the words that you said last night, that I am able to sit here this morning full of so much faith in myself and so much strength to go and not only fight Ed today-but to knock him out.
When I think about what my brother said about me last night- and when I think about how proud he is of me for fighting for my recovery, and about how he called me his inspiration, I cannot do anything but sit here, smile and say, as loud as I can, hello life.