A few weeks back, I wrote a post about how I was beginning to view myself as just this “girl in recovery from an eating disorder,” and how I was fearful that is the way others would perceive me as well,
I remember writing that I knew I was more than just a girl battling against an eating disorder, but I did not really believe it.
I knew it, but I was still continuing to live my life acting and thinking that others saw me in this certain way.
Since I’ve started recovery, I’ve almost always felt that the same way people used to look at me while I was totally controlled by Ed-with these eyes of envy and disgust at how I look- that it is the same way they look at me now.
Just now, they aren’t thinking how sick I look, they are thinking how big I look or how pathetic I am for being in recovery for an eating disorder.
I can’t explain to you why I thought complete strangers who know absolutely nothing about me were thinking like this as if they know who I am, but in my own distorted world, it seemed to make perfectly logical sense.
But last night, I went out with friends, and no one-not a single person in the entire room (except two of my friends) knew that I was in recovery for an eating disorder.
No one knew, no one judged me, and even the ones who did know, did not care.
I had a moment last night, where I thought to myself, “if these people, the people who love me and care about me, don’t view me as just a girl in recovery for this eating disorder, then why the hell am I viewing myself like that?”
I am dropping this label of this girl in recovery that I once gave myself at the beginning of this process of one year without a scale.
I am the only one who brought that label of “just a girl with an eating disorder,” upon myself.
More than that, it is the most liberating feeling to look around, and truly see that others around me-my family, my friends, and my support team, have never labeled me as this girl battling an eating disorder in the first place.
The only thing they’ve labeled me as is a friend, a daughter, a sister, a grand daughter, a niece, a student, an inspiration or a source of strength-and I think I am finally starting to view myself as those things too-without the extra “eating disorder” label.
I feel like I am walking into a new world today and as a person with a new aura around me.
There is no more invisible sign around my neck that says I am sick, or that I am in recovery, or that I need anyone’s help-there is just me, standing tall, walking strong, and proud to be at the place in my life where I am right now in this exact moment.
Goodbye to the negative labels that I once let Ed define me by, hello to being proud, hello to walking strong and hello life.