Since I have started this journey of one year without a scale and my journey to recovery from my eating disorder, fear has been the number one emotion that I have felt.
I have been fearful of what recovery would do to my body, I have been fearful of what it would do to my relationships, and I have been fearful if I would be able to know who I am without this eating disorder.
Well, I already have had the fear about what recovery would do to my relationships answered for me. My three year relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended-which I know is a blessing in disguise for many reasons,(one being my recovery), my relationship with my family has immensely strengthened and my relationship with myself has never been as intimate and strong as it is now.
The fears of not knowing who I am without my eating disorder have largely been dis-proven, as the more I write this blog, and the further into recovery I get, the more sense of self I seem to acquire.
And lastly, the fears about the physical changes my body will go through, are definitely still very present every single day. The difference is, that now, I am not afraid to acknowledge this fear. I feel that now since I have acknowledged this fear, that maybe it won’t have as much power over me.
I remember telling E that my biggest fear about starting this journey would be that I would fail; that I would find a scale, stand on it, and epically fail.
I am no longer fearful of that anymore. I know now, that I will not fail at recovery.
Will I cry? Yes, but I will not fail.
Will I have difficult days? Yes, but I will not fail.
Will I fight with my own perception of what I see in the mirror as my body changes? Yes,but I will not fail.
Will there be days where my eating disorder is loud and where it tries to knock me down? Yes, but I will fight back ten times harder and I will not fail.
Will there be days that I want to take a break from fighting? Yes, there will. But I won’t take a break from fighting for my life, and therefore, I will not fail.
How do I know I will not fail? Because I have my family who will not let me, I have my treatment team who stands behind me, and most importantly, I have made it this far and I will not give up on myself.
Through my fear, through my daily struggles of feeling uncomfortable and full, through my pain and through my negative thoughts-I will rise above and I will not fail.
Last night, I ate dinner with my grandma. It was the first time in four days that I ate the exact dinner on my meal plan like I am supposed to, which in itself was scary for me. After we were done eating, I remember thinking to myself, “I really am doing this. I can’t believe I really am doing this. I am doing recovery.”
Yes, I am doing this, and I am not going to fail at it, and to that I can proudly say, “hello life.”