Good morning everyone,
I can’t let myself be in this darkness any longer.
I know that the struggles I’ve been facing are part of the healing process, and that these walls that I have hit in the past few days will indeed come back. I know the darkness will creep back into my hard earned recovery world, but for today, I am choosing to let the light inside instead of the darkness and I am choosing to be thankful.
I sit here this morning, reflecting back on the past few days-the tears I’ve cried, the self judgement I’ve imposed on myself, and the fearful thoughts that my eating disorder has planted in my mind, and I just cannot go another day like that.
I know that it is OK to be fighting with my eating disorder and it is OK to feel the negative emotions I’ve been feeling, but I also know that sometimes in life, you need to pick yourself up out of a bad situation and land yourself some where very far away from it. Somewhere foreign, somewhere new and somewhere unfamiliar.
Here I am, landing myself in the land of recovery-the scary, unknown land of recovery. But at the same time, it is a land of thankfulness and gratitude.
Today, I am choosing to be thankful for my recovery.
I am choosing to start my day, right now, by turning my head up towards God and thanking him for bringing me to this point in my journey. I am so thankful, that through the good days, and most importantly, through the bad days, that God has given me the inner strength to push through the darkness and he has never let me loose sight of my recovery.
Today, I am thankful for the beautiful family that I have. I am thankful that they love me now, during my process of recovery. I am thankful that they loved me even when I chose to love my eating disorder more than myself. For this unconditional love and support, I am so truly thankful.
I am thankful for E-who without her, my recovery would never have happened. E saved my life, and there is no other thing in this world to be thankful for, other than life.
I am thankful to the support this blog has brought me.
Lastly, and this is very uncomfortable and weird for me to say, since self praise is not something I usually do, but I am thankful to myself. I am thankful that I was born with such an unbreakable spirit, that nothing, even the life sucking presence of an eating disorder, can break it. I am thankful that I found the strength deep within myself, somehow and someway, to choose recovery.
I am thankful that today, I am fighting for my recovery.
Here I am recovery-I am waiting at your door steps with all my bags packed, with Ed shoved inside, not getting a word in. And while I know it will take quite a while for me to climb the steps up towards your door, I am just thankful that I am here climbing them in the first place.
Hello to me being thankful, hello to me climbing towards recovery, and “hello life.”