Good morning everybody,
I am feeling very stuck and frustrated as I am writing this post.
Yesterday, I let myself be very vulnerable to my eating disorder. Ed, my eating disorder, got loud yesterday. He got loud, he got mean, and he got dominant again.
I didn’t totally go off my meal plan, but I didn’t completely follow it either, even if I only missed one snack, it is not something I am going to be proud of to tell my nutritionist this later on this morning. And I can’t even sit here and make excuses as for why I didn’t follow it, because I have none. There is no excuse, there is only the true reason, and that is Ed.
Here is where my frustration comes in-all last week- probably one the hardest weeks of my life-the week I left my boyfriend of three years in the name of my recovery, and the week that my will and determination for recovery were truly put to the test-eating on the meal plan did not bother me.
But now, even though I am going through the motions of eating the meal plan, the fear I have of what it will do to my body has greatly intensified.
During my hardest and most difficult times, times where I usually let my eating disorder comfort me, hold me, and smother me-were the times that I was most able to take care of myself best and shut him out.
And now, now that this storm is slowly calming down, now that I am in a safe, loving and warm environment, I have a problem following my meal plan and a problem challenging my eating disorder. Truthfully, I don’t understand what is going on. What is wrong with me? And what is wrong with my eating disorder?
Why is Ed choosing to get loud now-when I don’t need him anymore? He could have been loud last week, when I needed him the most-when I had emotions soaring, pain in my heart, and fear of the future-and maybe he was loud then,but somehow, I knew how to quiet him.
Yesterday, and so far this morning, I can’t seem to quiet his voice and that is extremely frustrating to me. I was in such a place of strength the past week, and I just finally thought that I was starting to become bigger than my eating disorder-that I was slowly crushing him to his death. Today, or at least in this moment, I feel he is crushing me.
This is the dark side of recovery that I hate to look at and that I hate to acknowledge actually has to happen in order for me to truly heal and be free of this eating disorder.
I know, that it is now, more than ever, that I need to stay dedicated and committed to my recovery. I know this because I just left my entire life of three years for it. I left everything I knew-I left the emotions, that even though were painful, were familiar to me for it. I gave up my beloved scale for one entire year for it (it being recovery).
I am fighting my entire life for this recovery-my family, friends and support system are fighting along with me-so why why why am I so stuck in this place of darkness?
Yesterday, I had a Sunday where I didn’t binge-a Sunday that was not Fat Sunday. But on the other hand, it was a Sunday that also had some form of restricting,even if it was only a little bit, I don’t believe that one is necessarily better than the other. It was even hard for me to eat my after dinner snack last night, even though I was hungry-but I will say, that I am proud of myself for listening to my body and eating that snack.
I am thankful that it is early in the morning right now, and that I have the rest of my day to hopefully find strength, inspiration and motivation to put myself back in the ring with Ed.
This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week, and to think about the fact that there are other people who are experiencing this frustration, this power struggle, and this darkness with their eating disorders right now, just like me, makes me sad and angry. It hurts me to think someone else is going through the pain that I am going through right now.
If there is anyone reading this today who is also on their path to recovery, I wish I could reach out to you and hold your hand. I wish I could give you my strength and you could give me yours. I wish we could look at each other and tell one another that we will overcome our eating disorders and that we will push through this darkness.
In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, I want to dedicate this post’s “hello life,” to all of those who are fighting for their recovery today, to those who have fought for their recovery in the past, and to those who are going to take the giant leap of faith to fight for their recovery in the future.
To all of us fighters, I say, “hello life.”