This morning I sit here writing to you feeling completely beat up by Ed.
After having a beautiful Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend last night, we stopped to get frozen yogurt. Getting frozen yogurt was already something Ed was not happy about, but I was able to enjoy myself because it was allowed on the meal plan. But after we got home, not only did I have a piece of poppy seed pastry, and four hard candies, I had three Sees Candy chocolates. Three entire chocolates. Let me repeat that so you all can understand how horrible I feel: THREE ENTIRE FAT FILLED CHOCOLATES.
All of this happened in the span of about five minutes. Normally, if this would have been a binge, I would have eaten the chocolates standing up and try to not feel what I am doing. But last night, I was mindful. I sat down and ate each chocolate piece by piece and the pastry bite by bite. I did not binge, and I did lose control. However, this did not step Ed from beating me up over it and for making me feel like I did binge. All last night I listened to Ed telling me that I have ruined my body, that I have instantly gained a ton of weight and that I am a failure for letting myself fall off track.
And all of last night, I just listened to him. Even up until right now, I feel he is right. I do not physically or emotionally have the energy to stand up to Ed this second. And I said I would be honest on this blog, so even though I am ashamed to say this, I do think he is right. I am even mad at myself for eating lunch yesterday, because I feel if I skipped it, it would have cancelled out the calories from the sweets.
The sad part is that those chocolates tasted amazing. They were so delicious. And I could not even enjoy them. The fact that Ed is keeping me from enjoying something that I love; something as small as chocolate, just makes me sad. It is the small things in life, like a piece of chocolate or a beautiful flower, that make up moments of happiness, and I feel that Ed is taking those away from me right now.
I have been going around in circles all night and all morning just wishing that I did not have to follow this meal plan today and that I can just not eat so I can fix all that I ate last night. I will not do that because I am bigger than Ed, I am stronger than Ed and I know these feelings will pass.
But right now, I feel smaller than Ed and I feel mad at myself that I disobeyed him. Maybe tomorrow I will be proud of myself for challenging Ed last night and eating what I wanted, but for this second, that is not my reality.
All I can do in this moment, is close my eyes and ask God to give me the inner strength to be kind to myself today and the wisdom to know that I will bounce back from this beating from Ed and that all of this fighting is worth it.
No matter what, I will not start my day without reminding myself of the reason I am in this fight in the first place, and that reason is: “hello life.”
6 thoughts on “Day 25: Beat Up By Ed”
Valentine’s Day is a hard one for everyone. I don’t have Ed in my ear and had there been chocolates in the house I would have ate, not three, but the entire box! And I would have felt like crap the entire time too and told myself how I won’t eat anything fattening for a month to make up for it. Now unlike you e cause I don’t have Ed beating me up I would be eating fattening things the very next day. But don’t be so hard on yourself. Ed is just unfortunately an added battle to the very hard one we all face on this Chocolate filled day that we all have little control over.
You just do your best to eat what’s on your meal plan today even with Ed in your ear beating you up. I know it’s hard. You are very strong! Keep on keeping on!
Unfortunately to be successful you sometimes have to fail(although I wouldnt call what you did failing) but the important thing is to get up, dust yoursel off and continue with your food plan. I’ve done it lots of times and I know you can. Stay determined and believe you are a beautiful person. Grandma xoxo
It’s your eating disorder who feels beaten up – not you.
The real you knows those chocolates tasted great and that you deserve them. Don’t let your eating disorder persuade you otherwise!
I had to learn to re-frame my thoughts/feelings when I had times like this (and I certainly did have times like this!). See it as a victory for you, and a defeat for your ED because you ate something the real you wanted to. Well done x
Thank you Meg! Seeing it from the perspective of a victory for me definitely gives me strength . Thank u for your comment!
I’m so glad that you were able to allow yourself to eat and enjoy some treats. Even if you felt mental turmoil after, that’s a big deal! I’m proud of you.