So yesterday I let Ed back into my world and I let him contribute to my first slip up on the meal plan. While I intended to eat lunch yesterday, when the time came, Ed told me that it wasn’t a big deal to just skip this one meal and that my muffin would do just fine, and I listened to him.
Once I listened to him and pretty much skipped lunch and moved right onto my snack (my muffin), Ed’s voice got louder than it has been in weeks. I won’t lie and say that I was upset about skipping lunch, because I wasn’t,I actually felt a little sense of relief. But I was disappointed in myself that I was letting Ed back into my mind, that I was letting him win this round in our boxing ring.
Yesterday afternoon was filled with Ed talking and me just listening. Once I skipped lunch,Ed told me that I should skip dinner too . After I ate two chocolate’s that a student I tutor gave me for Valentine’s day, Ed tried to tell me that I binged on those two chocolates and that I should just finish the entire box and then “fix” it all tomorrow. But this is where I drew the line.
At that moment, I was able to pull myself out of the dark hole that Ed and I were fighting in, and I was able to find my own voice. Although I didn’t quite believe it myself, I did tell myself that eating those two chocolates is not a binge and that it is o.k. to enjoy them. Even this morning, I still don’t fully believe that statement, because I do feel guilty about eating the chocolates. The calories I saved from skipping lunch went out the window with those two chocolates–and yet, even that thought alone about saving calories, is not me speaking, it is Ed.
I was able to eat dinner (and my last snack) last night despite Ed’s voice telling me not too, and I think that it was only because I knew my boyfriend was coming home from work expecting to eat dinner with me. It is those tiny moments, where I feel I am in the right place at the right time, such as being home when my boyfriend came home to eat dinner with me, that I feel God is really watching over me.
If there is one positive thing that I learned yesterday, it is that skipping even just that one meal, or that one snack, will never just be that one time and it will never make Ed quiet. Skipping that one meal could lead to skipping more, and therefore it can harm my recovery.
After not eating lunch yesterday, I know that if I want to break that cycle today, I am going to have to really put on my boxing gloves, get in that ring, and fight Ed until he is begging me for a tap out. I can’t be casual about it and I can’t let myself think that one time is no big deal because I know now how loud Ed’s voice will get if I give into him telling me to skip that meal.
Even though I had one slip up yesterday, I feel that for the first time in a long time, I am able to forgive myself and move forward with my recovery. I am learning that self forgiveness and self compassion go hand in hand with re-feeding my body into being healthy and I am ready to forgive myself and move forward.
Today, I have entered the ring ready to face Ed with my boxing gloves on.
I have an entire army of people in my corner ready to cheer me on.
And I have my goal of reaching full recovery in front of me.
The only thing left for me to do is step into that ring with my game face on and say, “hello life.”
6 thoughts on “Day 24: Letting Ed Back In”
Cheering you on!!! Go you! 🙂
Thank u so much !!
I’m so happy to hear you use those words self compassion and forgiveness. Because truly, that is really the first step in your recovery and then being able to move forward and shut Ed down. You are showing him that although he may try to pop back up, you are right there to knock him down. Nobody is perfect, and everybody in recovery has set backs. That is a reality. It is how you handle it that makes the difference. You handled it with grace and self compassion and the knowledge that you need and want to get back into that ring with Ed! Bravo for you! Today is a new day and it sounds like you are right back on track. Please remember that during those difficult times, there are all of us in your corner, and if nothing else remember the coping tools we talked about and how you said taking a few deep breaths often does wonders! It really gives you that chance to slow yourself down and maybe even shut Ed down right then and there! Keep up the great work champ! I love you!
Thank u auntie Norine! Took some deep breaths n made it through lunch today . Love u!
Good for you love. Self compassion is a wonderful Valentine’s Day to give yourself each and every day!
Keep on keeping on!
Thank u mom! Talking to u today on the phone was a great way to start my vday love u!