Day 20: Feeling Uncomfortable In My Own Skin

Hello everyone,

All of yesterday and especially right now,  I am feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.  I am feeling bloated, huge and just all around pretty much disgusted with how I look.  I am aware that it is Ed telling me to feel this way, but at this moment that does not really matter because the truth of the matter is that no matter how hard I try to tell him to be quiet, it is just not working right now.

Whether I know these feelings will pass does not matter to me right now-knowing they may not be realistic does not matter to me either-what does matter to me right now is that I am feeling this way-and these feelings are completely real, true and very present to me in this moment.

For many years, I have always had a way to deal with any negative emotions I was feeling; if I was angry, sad, mad or hurt, I was just restrict my food and I would instantly feel better.  Sometimes I would binge, feel horrible, and then starve myself later to make up for it, and then everything was fine.  The bottom line is that before recovery, I always used food as a way to deal with my feelings.

That way of dealing with feelings is not acceptable anymore.  I will not let myself restrict my food today, because I know if I do, I will never come back from it. I am not going to let myself binge today because I will not let myself do some kind of unhealthy thing to fix it later.  I can’t even step on my scale to validate my feelings of gaining so much weight and weighing too much.  I just feel stuck.

How am I supposed to get through today and deal with these negative feelings of mine without using food as my coping mechanism?  How am I supposed to go to a party later tonight that my boyfriend and I are invited to and put on a fitted cocktail dress and not cry in the mirror when I do? (Because I am almost 100% sure that is going to happen.)

My answer is that I simply do not know, and that is very scary.  I know I will have to eat today, I know I will have to go to this party,and  I know I have to do homework and laundry.  I wish that I could just sit in bed all day with Ed next to me and obsess over and over again about how fat I am, because at this moment, that feels safe.  But I can’t do that.

My mom used to always tell me when something bad happens, that you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

I can’t necessarily say that I am dusting myself off and moving on because it would be a complete lie. But I am going to have to pick up myself up and face the day.

I am hopeful that my feelings will be able to change throughout today and that these negative emotions I am feeling right now will pass,and if they do, that is great, and if they don’t, I will still be committed to my recovery and I will be good to myself and to my body no matter what, because I have come too far to turn back now.

Even if I am uncomfortable in my skin and feel huge all day, I will continue on my path to recovery.

I will not let Ed convince me to give up on myself, and to that I can say, “hello life.”

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13 thoughts on “Day 20: Feeling Uncomfortable In My Own Skin

  1. Your mom also knows recovery is hard and sometimes we have to sit things out and be comfortable or uncomfortable alone before we can do it in a public atmosphere. I’m not saying sit life out, but while you are in a new phase of recovery you may need to let the world spin as it will without you. And your friends that love you will understand. Don’t put yourself in stressful situations beyond what you have to. Of course you have to weigh the importance of the event, but you are entitled to take a break if you need it and just be. Then the next day you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on. One day at a time.
    Keep on keeping on… At your own pace!

  2. Shira, I’m sorry you’re having such a tough day. Unfortunately those days will come and go. Last week you wrote a whole list of great coping tools on your blog. I know it’s hard to try these things when you’re feeling so lousy, but that’s the point of them…for them to be there for you to turn to when you’re having s rough day. You’re right that you’re feelings are real, and you’re also right that YOU are in control, even though Ed is trying to take that from you. He’s not succeeding! You are!! Please pull out that list and try some of those tools! You know I’m always here for you! I love you! You are a strong and amazing young woman and you will get through this!

  3. Shira you can overcome, you are a strong determined person. You have a lot of support and love. As your Mom say take it one day at a time.

  4. i can understand the that u feel a shadow is after u all day . No matter what just pl go out as much as u could because regardless of a ck party or any event , u will start getting many people commentating on how you look. i know that you will tell your self that u gain weight and for them its nice and for u its bad, but guess what u are going to hear it so much not because u look good that’s needless to say but because u look happier every day more and more and when u are happy u r magnet. with all the respect to Mr Ed just like boxers spar , they do shadow boxing practicing for the fight , u 2 u are practicing all day and very soon that peace of sheet is going to get knocked out ! He doesn’t know yet that he chose the wrong person to mess with . Your unique style of fighting Ed is the ultimate fighting ! what i mean is that u r killing him softly , u are not retaliating, u don’t talk back , what u are doing is sharing with millions of people your inner war. All the world that u r touching( and its spreading like fire) is getting strength from u to kill Ed and each one of us to kill his own Ed.. I admire you Hello shira………i love u , u r u , and u r a killer fighter abba

  5. You are stong… Tough days will face you, stay committed and use your coping methods that you have developed. In the moment it might seem like it will never be over, sorry that you are going through this. Remember how far you have come and tomorrow will be a better day! Keep your head up !

  6. Shira I hope your enjoying yourself at the party. I’m sorry to read about all the hardships your going through today but the fact that you do pick yourself up and move on with your day is so impressive. I wanna kick Ed’s ass soo bad ! But you are one day at a time doing that for me and that makes me so happy you have no idea :)))

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