Day 19: Talking With Ed

Good morning everyone,

If it didn’t sound crazy enough to you already that I gave my eating disorder a name, (Ed), now I am going to tell you all how I talk with him on a daily basis.

During these past few days, and especially yesterday, I have found myself talking with Ed and having conversations with him all throughout the day.  And before I begin to explain what our conversations look like, I just want to take a moment to share with you how amazing it feels for me to actually be able to distinguish between my voice and Ed’s voice.

There were times when I was so controlled by Ed, that I did not know what my voice even was.  If I thought that eating food would make me fat, I truly thought those were my own thoughts. But now, I can see that Ed was the one telling me those unhealthy thoughts. It was many times still is Ed, not me, who says that I need a number on a scale to determine my self worth.

However, there are plenty of moments throughout my day where I  do confuse Ed’s thoughts with my own thoughts and where I let Ed tell me what to think. But I feel happy for those few moments where I can take a step back and realize that those negative thoughts are Ed speaking, not me.

I can remember a few times yesterday where I had to talk with Ed and literally shut him up.  The first time came after I finished eating breakfast.  When I was done eating, I was craving something sweet, so I had some grapes and a piece of chocolate. Already, Ed was telling me that I had deviated from my “healthy” meal plan and that I should stop eating. But I was not satisfied with one tiny chocolate; I wanted another one. So, I had another one, and even one more after that along with a piece of delicious raisin bread.

Once I felt that I had satisfied my sweet tooth, Ed told me that I had ruined my entire day by eating so much chocolate and sweets and that I should just binge to make it complete.  I remember sitting down and saying out loud, “Ed, you are not going to make me feel bad about enjoying my food and you will not make me binge and you will not make me restrict calories for eating foods I was craving.”

Yes, you might think this whole idea of me talking to my eating disorder is a little bit outside the norm,but it works for me, and that’s what matters.

Later in the evening, I had an argument with someone close to me, and Ed told me that by restricting my food for the rest of the day, that it would solve my feelings of being hurt and disappointed.

I won’t lie to you, for about an hour I was fantasizing about how great that restriction would feel and about how it would just diminish all my problems at that moment.  But as I sat down to dinner, I was able to take a step back and realize that not eating would not change my feelings that were hurt that night and it would not solve my problem.  It actually would make me feel bad about myself for letting Ed win.

So as I sat down to order my food, I  silently told Ed, “Ed, you will not ruin this dinner for me and I know that you will not solve my issues of feeling hurt, so I going to eat and be good to myself.”

And I did.  I ate dinner and I shut Ed the hell up.

Even though it can feel draining and annoying to have to talk to Ed all day, I am happy that we are both speaking with each other now.

Two weeks ago, Ed was the only one talking. He would talk and talk and talk to me all day and all night long.  And I would never talk back, I would just listen and obey.

 Now, I am talking back to Ed. 

Yes, we might argue back and forth and he might make me feel like I am wrong, but in the end, I get the final word.

Today, I want to start my morning by being the first one to initiate conversation with Ed.

I am going to wake him up and tell him that I am proud  of myself that I have gone yet  another morning without weighing myself.

I am going to tell him that he is slowly losing his power over me and that I am in the drivers seat now, not him.

I am going to stand tall and strong and tell him as loudly as I can, that today, I am in charge.

And when I am done telling all of this to Ed, I am going to pick my head up high and tell myself, “hello life.” 


12 thoughts on “Day 19: Talking With Ed

  1. It is the same energy that you use to allow yourself to become silent and mute that you now using to be the loud, opinionated, determined, and powerful person that you are. I love you and I’m proud of you.

  2. Good for you for not giving into that inner voice that doesn’t realize what a beautiful person you are. How mature you are and how independent and strong you can be. Continuing going after what you Shira want (not Ed).

  3. By winning Ed yesterday your giving him a forewarning that this will be a regular thing and sooner than later Ed will vacate your mind completely!

  4. First of all,I want you to know that having a regular dialogue with Ed is not outside the morn. How manu timrs during the day do we all find ourselves talking to ourselves and arguing with ourselves. For me, I know I do it constantly. I think it’s a normal way of processing things within our minds…very healthy and normal! Secondly, you are slowly, but surely showing Ed who is boss now. And of course he’s going to balk at it, but your strength and resilience will owner take him at every turn! Keep up your persistence! You are a fighter and have already shown in such a short period of time how much you can accomplish. And yes, you are human too, so there may be days that you do have shamal set backs. But that is also a normal part of the growing process. You just keep your head held high and continue to know that you are in the driver’s seat now! I love you!!

    • Thank you Auntie Norine–that makes me feel a little less crazy lol. Every day I feel that I am growing more and more. I love you so much and thank you for all your unconditional support.

  5. That’s wonderful love! You just shut Es the hell up and soon you’ll be able to gag that beast and laugh when he tries to open his mouth! You are amazing!!
    Keep in keeping on!

  6. Great job Shira, If speaking to Ed allows you to take control than that is what you should continue to do, and keep telling him to shut the hell up. You are now in the drivers seat and even if he tries to take back his position you will not let that happen.Keep fighting and be proud of yourself!

  7. Shira you are so amazing for being able to distinguish yourself apart from Ed. It’s as if your at war with your worst enemy yet someone who disguises himself as your best friend. Keep on talking out loud keep on making it known to Ed that he is who he is and you know he’s your enemy not your friend. You are strong and superior to Ed your Doing an amazing job for sticking up for yourself. Love you sooo much my beautiful gorgeous sister !!

  8. I love this! I did this too. I was even able to make peace with it. Sounds strange, I know. But it doesn’t say mean things anymore after many years of war. I just offer that as a possibility.
    I admire your courage.

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