I am so proud to tell you all that I was able to successfully go through with the back weigh yesterday and not turn around to see the number. I feel like I have just over come the first of many challenges that I will be facing on this journey and I have you all, my incredible family, friends and supporters to thank for it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for your love and encouragement.
On that note, I am happy to say that today is a new kind of Friday for me. I know that statement might not make a lot of sense, so let me explain what I mean.
When I was still weighing myself, Friday was considered my ultimate weigh in day. I would starve all week to prepare for Friday. In other words, Friday was my judgement day.
Depending on what that scale said on Friday, I would either have a great day or a horrible day. It would tell me if I let myself go out to dinner with my boyfriend on Saturday or not. It would predict my entire weekend for that matter. That number would determine what I would eat that night at Shabbat dinner with my family and exactly how little or how much. Sometimes it would even be the deciding factor if I would even go to dinner at all.
And this preparation for Friday would last all week, but Thursdays were particularly intense. Thursdays would be the day that I would restrict calories and my fluid intake the most. Thursdays were also the one night a week that I would see my grandma for dinner . Because of Friday, my grandma and I would only eat at one restaurant only; the restaurant that I could get a salad with only lettuce, tomato, and cucumber with no dressing. Even on the days that even I was so sick of this restaurant, and I am sure my grandma was too, she continued to go for me because that’s what I was comfortable with. I let my eating disorder take control of my one night a week with my grandma and it pains me to think how selfish of me that was. I never want to let that happen again.
But yesterday I had a totally different Thursday night experience because I knew I did not have to weigh myself this morning–the beginning of many weigh-less Fridays.
I was actually able to take my 3 younger brothers out to dinner and even frozen yogurt. Not only that, but I was even able to eat the same food with them at dinner that they were eating- something that would never have happened before I started my path to recovery. And even though the voice of my eating disorder was extremely loud in my head, I found the strength to silence it just for those few minutes when we were eating together.
Last night was made up of tiny moments of freedom from my eating disorder – and I hope to hold onto those moments as long as I can and use them for strength and encouragement during times of weakness.
The fact that I was actually able to eat on a Thursday and then wake up this morning and not weigh myself marks the official beginning of a new kind of Friday for me, and I have to say, it feels pretty damn good.
Last night after we got home, the four of us just sat on the couch and watched tv together. As we were watching tv, I found myself literally just starring at the faces of my younger brothers. I was starring at the most beautiful, innocent and loving faces in the world–and at that exact moment last night, I remember genuinely thinking to myself, “hello life.”