I went to sleep last night feeling sad and broken.
After what I felt was a day of successful recovery, I had someone who I barely know message me to let me know that they don’t think I have an eating disorder. For whatever reason, this comment really threw me off.
Who is this person to tell me about my struggles? Who is this person to try to take away my pain and tell me that this journey–that this fight for my life–is not really happening? It is times like this, where I start to get doubtful about myself, that I need to remind myself of why I am here and why I am writing this blog: and that is for my life, and what others think of that cannot be a priority to me.
This morning, I wake up writing to you all knowing that I need to go visit a doctor today for a full physical exam and I know he will be asking me lots of questions about my eating disorder; but most importantly and most frightening, I know he will weigh me.
Of course, I have already made the decision to do a “back weigh,” where I turn backwards when I get weighed so I do not see the number. But to be so honest, I truthfully do not know where I am going to gather the inner strength to stand backward and not turn around and see what that scale says.
This is where I need to remind myself that I am more than a number .
But I know that no matter how badly I feel the need to turn around and look at that number, I know I will not do it and I will keep my commitment and promise to myself. Because even though I am fearful and unsure at the moment, there is one thing about me that always holds true, and that is that I never give up-and I sure as hell am not going to start now.
I have made the choice to be scale free for a year and that is what I will do.
How will I do it? I do not know.
Right now, I feel hopeless and extremely alone in this fight for freedom.
The strength that I felt I had the past few days seems to be so far away from me right now. I am trying to sit here and close my eyes and tell myself that I am strong and that I can do this, (by this i mean my recovery) but I just cannot seem to find it.
I feel broken, I feel lost, and I feel drained- but I know that I need to pick myself up off this bed and go face the world today head on.
I need to remind myself of the reason I am on this path to recovery in the first place, and that reason is called life.
So,here is what I am going to do:
I am going to get myself together, sit up straight, and tell myself over and over again “hello life, hello life, hello life.”